I can only begin this with a sigh of relief.
The world has gone to bed, and I am finally able to be at peace with myself.
I miss you, really I do. I think about you every hour, on the hour. More these few days because you’re away. Now you’ve gone to bed too. I’m sorry I didn’t reply when you wished me goodnight.
Sometimes I wonder if I care for you too much to allow this to happen. It’s not you who’s doing it, it’s me.
I morph into someone I think you want me to be, someone I think I want me to be – more logical, more lively, more assertive, less timid, less serious, more adventurous, less sensitive, more accommodating, less snarky.
When in fact, at times when I’m just …here, with myself and the humming of the fridge, I’m okay with being all those things, without the ‘more’ or the ‘less’ because I believe I’m still those things but with just the right amount. It doesn’t happen often but I’m actually feeling alright with being just me for a change.
It’s unfair on you because you always tell me to be myself, and you do love me for who I am – without a doubt; I can feel it in my bones. Grateful doesn’t begin to describe how I feel about the fact that I found you. Even after so many years, I still can’t wrap my head around why you have chosen to stay.
It’s more telling about me than about you, I suppose – it’s my self-esteem talking here.
But I can’t shake this niggling feeling that you don’t know me as well as you think you do. And when you find out what the depths of my being looks like, it’ll be over.
Perhaps that’s why I try so hard to be more or less of all those things, so you will still have a reason to stay and continue to have a reason to stay for the years coming.
I realise the onus is on me to carve out my own space, my own time, and my own silence to be able to show you the real me. Something tells me you won’t run away even if I do. I know I’m contradicting myself again.
I just like spending time with you, I love being with you. Heck, I just love you. I often feel like I want to spend every single moment with you even if that means putting away a bit of myself to do that. And yet, I also feel like you bring out sides of me I didn’t even know I had. It’s mind-boggling.
I love your soul even if you might not believe in such a concept. I love that you challenge me, that you don’t hold back your opinions, and you don’t back down simply because I’m your partner. That’s respect to me. I just wish I had the same tenacity and verbal prowess as you do to be able to return a good argument, and to feel heard and that I’m on par with you. I’m working on that. I realise you also do things for me, to accommodate me, to be gentle and considerate while acknowledging I do have a backbone and independent thought.
I also love that you are so in touch with reality. At times it can be abrasive to my sensitive heart because I’m just so fucking naive. But I like that about myself too. It gives me hope and it lets me dream of a better world than the crap we are constantly swimming through. My lenses are already grey; there was a bit of suffering as a child and those lenses have stuck with me. I need my naivety to survive day to day. Surprisingly, even with you realism, you have brought so much colour to my world.
So I guess the point is when I’m with you I’m just a little different than my naked self. And that’s okay. After all, we’re two very different people. I’m sure your naked self is different to the one I see most days. And let’s be honest, my naked self will not survive one day in this apathetic world.
I couldn’t ask you to change, I don’t want to. But I admit it can be challenging to understand where you come from some days.
It scares me actually.
I’m scared I don’t know how to comfort you. I’m scared I won’t be able to learn your ways to help you even though I try so hard to. I’m scared I won’t be the one who can give you solace during the times you need it most.
I’m scared you won’t be able to do that for me either because we’re just…so different. I speak abstract while you speak factual. I speak black and white and you speak different shades of rainbow.
I’m scared I won’t know how to keep you interested because you’re always go go getting while I’m happy to be still. Not stillness in relation to ambition, but stillness in just being still.
Like a speck on the wall. Watching the world happen. Watching the sun rise and the sun set and the clouds brush past and the colours change over the landscape.
With all that being said, it seems time and time again we have shown each other there is more than one way to skin a cat. Our approaches may be different, but we seem to always end up on the same page. And that page is we will keep fighting for us, not against us. Ultimately we are a team, not one vs one.
I suspect this is what we both need from each other. Someone so different from ourselves it will be a never ending puzzle.
After all, we both like puzzles. They’re interesting. Frustrating at times, but in the end they’re worth it.