Mothers

You were cruel, you were mean, you were almost abusive.

You said it was all in the name of love.

Bullshit.

So much bullshit.

The damage. You have no idea do you?

Deceit: the dumb, stupid fucking lies.

You broke us, you broke every single one of us who you fucking loved, every single one of us who loved you back.

You will never be able to make up for what you have done; you don’t know how. Seeth in your own hatred of yourself, project onto us as you will.

Yet I can’t hate you, but I do. But I can’t, but I do.

I wish I could tell you how much you’ve destroyed us. Fuck you. Fuck you over and over again.

You should never have had children.

You were not fit as a mother.

What brings you joy?

Took a walk today by the harbour. Sun shining, people smiling, music blaring. We’ve had gorgeous wintery sunny days before but nothing like this.

It was the first time in a very long time I felt each step I took was being firmly planted on solid ground. For the first time in a very long time, I didn’t feel the concrete pavement was about to give way underneath me. For the first time I didn’t feel the fear of dropping into the endless abyss beneath me.

I was surprised by the newfound sense of security actually, because nothing ‘concrete’ has really changed and yet it feels like everything has.

I could feel the sun’s warmth. I could hear people’s laughter. I could hear the the waves lapping against the dock.

I could feel the slight breeze as half-marathon trainers brushed past me. I could feel the sense of closeness of people around me going about their day; I could see their faces! And somehow, unusually, the physical proximity was fine by me.

For the first time in a long time I felt I was a part of this world, not just drifting along, floating, half-extended from somewhere above; not just a lonely soul in limbo, scrambling to find its way back to where home once was, not trying to hang on for dear life not knowing exactly why and what I’m hanging on for.

I must say it was incredibly comforting this new experience, even hopeful, that things can change and dark times can pass.

I have a lot of people to thank, a lot of things to be thankful for and a lot of giving back to do.

Thank you all for saving me from myself.

I promise I will learn to love myself as you love me.